Bullying Myself
As ridiculous as it might sound, a person can feel remarkably free when out of work. There are still deadlines, but they feel more grounded—less arbitrary than the ones handed down in a corporate environment. Responsibilities haven’t vanished, but there’s more time in the day to face them with intention. Admittedly, stress and anxiety about paying the bills has been higher than usual, and I’ve lost a few nights of sleep these past two weeks. But there’s also been a welcome shift: I can bring Ayumi for a 45-minute walk each morning instead of a rushed 15-minute circuit around the park. That change alone has done wonders for my clarity of mind.
Yet with this newfound freedom, something unexpected has crept in: a kind of self-directed bullying.
In my younger years, I pushed myself hard—always striving to do more, learn more, prove myself. Like many young men, I wanted to earn the respect of my more experienced peers. That meant long days at work, followed by nights spent learning and applying new skills—either on personal projects or on tasks I brought home. Where others slowed down approaching 30, I kept pushing well into my 40s.
But something shifted around my 40th birthday. I began to question many of the choices I had made. That inner dialogue—once focused on goals and ambition—turned into a barrage of second-guessing. And with that came an uncomfortable stillness. It became harder to look ahead when I couldn’t make sense of the path behind me.
Over much of the past few years, the internal voice gradually evolved into more of a supportive proponent. But since the start of this year, that same voice has taken on the tone of a bully—urging me to do “just one more thing” before stepping away from the keyboard. Like a personal trainer, it knows exactly which buttons to push to get results.
Oddly enough, I’ve missed this.
While the recent personal projects have not yet yielded any visible dividends, the desire to keep pushing forward hasn’t diminished. If anything, it has encouraged me to explore multiple options and keep refining existing ideas. Even for projects like Tiinii, I’m putting in the time to show both people—and web crawlers—that the site isn’t just another piece of online abandonware.
Earlier today, I began experimenting with the Google Maps API and other SaaS offerings to build up-to-date, semi-interactive features that could benefit people in the education space. That same knowledge could be useful for a potential travel-oriented site as well, allowing me to continue evolving my understanding of modern web design.
So while the voice may be antagonistic in tone, its intent is ultimately a positive one. Rather than watch baseball and collect unemployment, I can explore new skills and build better tools to solve real problems.
There are still days when I feel dejected and useless, but by forcing myself to sit down at the computer and put in a bit of effort, the ball keeps rolling forward. Aside from a rather distracting case of springtime allergies, the body is still strong enough—and healthy enough—to maintain this push for a while. And with an ally who is also an effective bully, good things can come of it.