I Don't Know What To Do
Over the past four months I have struggled with direction. What needs to be done is clear: pay the bills. How to do it? That remains a mystery. As such, I've looked over to Ayumi on several hundred occasions and admitted the fact.
I don't know what to do, Puppy Dog. I don't know what to do.
It's always said twice, separated by one of the more obvious nicknames assigned to my canine companion. An exasperated admission of fallacy that I am no more a master of my future than the weather. For almost seven months I have attempted to do something different with my life. Nothing has panned out. Such is life.
However, as I look at the bank balances that consistently hover near zero and the bills that are neither expensive nor affordable, I wonder what it is that I should be doing with the second half of my life. The question is not a new one, as it has been struggled with for years. But time runs low.
My own ventures consumed half a year and produced less than a dollar of revenue; money I cannot collect until another $19 dollars are generated. Freelance work is fleeting, and often reminds me of why I'm unfit to work in an office environment. Changing careers to something completely different would be an excellent challenge, yet I struggle with getting a foot in the door when people see my age and decades of experience doing something very different.
How do other people overcome the obstacles that arise at middle age?
In my youth, there were always opportunities. Employers seem more than happy to take on young people who have not yet learned how to say "no" or who have become comfortable in their own skin. This is understandable, as young people are eager to please and will put in more up front with the hopes that it will pay off in the long run. Sometimes it does, and it most certainly has a few times in my life. But the exuberance has faded. I approach tasks with far more experience, much less ego, and very little to prove. Knowing what you can and cannot do, and being open about it, makes for a better working experience. You can join a Zoom call and say with all honesty to peers: I'm not here to take your job, so let's all relax a bit.
Yet the accounts are almost dry. Maybe I should be more aggressive and take people's jobs.
It wouldn't be right.
This lack of aggression leads to inaction. The inaction leads to repetition.
For months now I've been stuck in a loop of searching for work in the mornings, sending emails, applying to positions online, and on occasion showing up at a company to ask outright. In the afternoons I do freelance work when it's available. In the evenings I spend time with Ayumi, who has been incredibly patient throughout the day while I make efforts to pay the bills. Come the end of the month, if the key expenses are covered, I can relax ... until the calendar flips over.
Now, at the start of October, I measure the amount I need to earn in four weeks time to continue treading water. It's not a great way to plan a month, and it does lead to moments of anxiety, but I can make do. When stress gets too high, I hop in the car with Ayumi and we head to a park. Sometimes it's a nearby grassy area. Sometimes it's several hours away. The gas is certainly an expense, but I tell myself that a litre of regular is still cheaper than a bottle of water at the convenience store. And it's true. And the cooler temperatures have made travel possible again. My spirits are always higher after an hour or five on the road, even when the traffic is less-than-ideal.
Several months ago I had approached resorts and hotels in touristy areas to sell my services creating videos for them. I have the gear, the software, and the time. A few responded, but none were particularly interested. Apparently this is done by the tourists themselves now, recording every interaction for TikTok and other platforms. It seems to work, and the crowdsourced videos are certainly much cheaper than paying someone to produce something scripted. One also mentioned that the demo videos I provided "lacked the pizzazz" they were looking for, which I also understand. That said, there's no reason I can't make use of some cameras to make my own videos. It won't pay the bills, but it will give me something to focus on when I don't know what to do.
Because I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to do.